Category Archives: Stuff

hedgehog

LOCKED OUT

Locked out

Last week we had new front and back doors fitted.
The old doors were the wooden type, they looked a bit manky and the front one opened from the outside.
The fact that it opened from the outside bothered us because of the safety issue mainly, we never thought for one minute we would miss this function.
We are animals of habit, so for the last 2 years living in this house I have left for work in the morning, got to the truck and realised I have left either my lunch or the keys inside and gone back indoors to fetch them.
I also go in and out of the front door for numerous other reasons, probably another 2 more times a day.
If I have been doing this for 2 years it means that I have used the ‘ability to be opened by a rapist / burglar from the outside’ function 2190 times or there abouts.

On the first night the doors were fitted, we were left without a cat flap,
Now the cats avoid using the floor too much as that means being chased by the dogs, which meant the cats wouldn’t be able to take a dump anywhere else other than the kitchen worktop.
I spoke to my wife about it and we decided to leave the cats out over night until the next day when I would fit a cat flap.
Once done, everyone went to bed whilst I locked up.
It was freezing cold outside which left me feeling guilty that the cats were out there, so I went up to the bedroom and confessed my guilt to my wife who was in bed half asleep…. Not asleep, HALF ASLEEP.
My son Rhys had only just gone to bed and Zach was in his room too, but the light was on so I guessed he was awake. Continue reading LOCKED OUT

I am amazed at how strong some women are, 15 years ago my wife Julie was in labour for 23 hours! I cant get my head around how much will power and drive that must have taken.
23 hours with no lunch, no dinner, not even a bag of crisps. What a woman!

Table mannerzzzzzzzzzt! zzzzzzzzzt!

Table mannerzzzzzzzzzzzzt! Zzzzzzzzzzzt!

To say ‘I love food’ is an understatement.
I have always been slightly overweight due to my love of food, when I was about 10 my mum sent me to summer school for fat kids.
I believe it had a different title like ‘multi sports made easy’ which they used to avoid upset to us fat kids.
Honestly, I’m not sure what was worse, being branded as a fatty or being sent somewhere because I was so crap at sports I needed some special help.
I have fond memories of that place though, mainly lunch break and the access we had to a vending machine.

Over the years I have become an overly experienced eater, I believe that due to my skills in this field I have the right to say what’s right and what’s just damn well wrong.
For example…

People that drink whilst still chewing!
Food related beard foliage!
Cement mixer syndrome!
Using ‘Lurpak’!
Spitting food whilst talking!
ARE ALL WRONG! Continue reading Table mannerzzzzzzzzzt! zzzzzzzzzt!

he-man3

Growing pains

Our kids are growing up fast, too fast and I’m getting left behind.
4 years ago, Zach was 14 and Rhys was 10, they had typical characteristics of children that age, head too big for body, small teeth with 2 great big ones at the front.
They both looked up at me with great admiration and awe, perhaps in the same way I might look up at my heroes, Mr-T and Manco.

We used to watch them playing together with Lego and toy cars, talking in American accents as they rolled around on the floor in an imaginary world of fun.
Sure they would bicker too and eventually their American accent would turn into an English whine “I hate you, I hate you, Mum! Zach stole my red Lego brick” Continue reading Growing pains

dog and donkey

Dog walk fail

I live by 2 dog walking codes…

1: If, when you approach another dog who is on its lead, put your dogs on theirs.
If the other dogs are not on a lead, then that’s their owner’s way of saying 1 of 2 things.
The first is “I can’t control my dog on a lead so let’s just hope this ends well with no blood drawn or unplanned pregnancies”
And the second is “I don’t mind your dog chasing my dog into the distance, nor do I mind them shagging them crap out of them”

2: Always pick up their doings, even if there is nobody about because a child might put it into their eye balls and become blind.

Neither of these codes however, helped me much this afternoon.
I took both my dogs for a walk along the sea wall today, which was fine until I ended up being dragged along the ground in front of two strangers.

On the sea wall there is a pill box which sticks out into the river which has 2 park benches on the top.
The sun was setting so I decided to stop and take some pictures.
I tried to get a photo of both dogs looking out over the river so they appeared to be admiring the pink sunset, but I couldn’t get the boxer / lab ‘Cooper’ to sit still long enough.
Determined to take a good picture I folded my dog ‘Jasper’s’ ears inside out and made him sit on the bench wearing my sunglasses.
Just as I was setting up the epic shot, I noticed Cooper’s attention turn to an approaching couple with a dog.

Thinking at a glance that their dog was on a lead, I quickly lassoed my two’s necks with their leads and in an attempt to look the professional dog walker, I continued towards them, dog in each hand.
Now I knew my dogs were going to be awkward once we passed each other, I was even ready for them to pull on their leads a bit.
What I wasn’t prepared for is for Cooper to jump Jasper’s lead spinning me round and pulling me off balance as he tried to get to the couples dog.
In my right hand, along with jasper’s lead I had a full poo bag which slipped from my grip at the same time as the lead.
In slow motion I fell to the ground, landing on the now open poo bag. Both dogs ran off, towing me through the shit and leaving me laying on my back inbetween the couples feet.

I quickly scurried to my feet, hoping they wouldn’t notice the dog crap up my trousers and said “nice evening”
The couple didn’t say much really, they didn’t help me up or nothing, they just continued to walk on with their dog, WHO WASN’T ON A LEAD!

I’m sure they had a good laugh about it once they were far enough away.

From now on Cooper’s lead will be attached to his balls.

jasper

My dog is a wierdo

My dog is a weirdo

My dog ‘Jasper the magnificent’ has developed a rather peculiar phobia.To be fair, he has always been a bit of a weirdo as well as being magnificent.

When we got him he was 18 months old and had spent the beginning of his life being ill-treated.
We never knew how he was ill-treated, but he wouldn’t like being left outside for any length of time.
This led me to believe that is previous owners used to leave him outside most of the time.
Thankfully, he is no longer afraid of this as he knows we will let him back in again once he has done a crap.

Another thing Jasper the magnificent does is chase cats.
We used to have 3 cats, now we only have 2 as one of them decided to pack her bags and move next door to avoid the incessant chasing.
Strangely, Jasper can share his bed with a cat without batting an eyelid but as soon as that cat moves Jasper springs to his feet and chases it until the fence stops him.
He does this every time and there seems nothing we can do to stop him. Continue reading My dog is a wierdo

Stress0Meter_squareicon_White

Stupermarket.

I once wrote a letter to my local supermarket which I shall not name for legal reasons, but it rhymes with ‘po oc’.
In the letter I described a singular visit there during my lunch break.
I wrote the letter primarily to get some issues about it off of my chest, but I also hoped that it may give whoevers hands it ended up in a laugh.

My proof reader however, would not let me send it and seeing as my proof reader is also my wife, I refrained from sending it in a bid to avoid sleeping on the sofa.
Cowardly I know, but if the punishment would have been the silent treatment, I probably would have sent it regardless, but if you have ever met my wife you would know that she does not do silence too good.

It’s not a bad supermarket to be true, and if money were no object then I would probably shop there more frequently.
I can see myself now, in my dusty work clothes pushing a trolley full of ‘2 for the price of 3’ bargains whilst gossiping with the other regulars, Richard Branson, Alan Sugar and the Beckhams.

Anyway, this particular day I had the right hump and the ‘Po oc’ did not help, so I wrote this…. Continue reading

lego

Nick the gladiator

Nick the gladiator

Lactic acid pumped through his sore, torn muscles ,as he raised his dulled blade for the thousandth time, bringing it crashing down upon his opponents whittled shield.

Nick’s challenger, thrice his size showed little sign of exhaustion as he countered Nick’s strikes by wielding his large spiked hammer in an array of horizontal and vertical strokes.

As Nick dodged each lethal swing, he struggled to do so with the precision and finesse he would usually employ, as Nick had something distracting his much needed concentration.
As the vicious attack continued, the strikes became closer and closer, but Nick could think of nothing less than wishing he had done a wee before entering the coliseum.

english-cocker-spaniel-puppy-portrait-photo

Dog’s diary snippet…

Dog’s diary

22nd September,

Had no choice other than to wee on the floor this morning as there was nobody here to let me out.
The boredom was killing me until… I realised I wasn’t alone!

I could sense someone behind me…. I couldn’t hear them nor could I smell them, but I knew they were there.
I had to move silently as not to show my awareness, I knew who it was, it was the dreaded spytail and it was trying to steal my ears, I had to take him by surprise and pounce first.
I stood there pretending to read the calendar for several seconds before making my move.

I gave a quick flash of my teeth and as menacing growl as I could muster before chasing after him. I chased the spytail round and round in circles for what seemed like ages. This assassin was hard to catch but perseverance from experience was the only way to win this game.

I took a breather behind the chest freezer and prepared for my second wave of attack but just as I left my cover I heard a car pull up onto the gravel which distracted me from the sneaky little ear thief and I jumped up to the window to see who it was.

I could just see the rear end of Dominic’s car upon the driveway and my tail wagged with excitement but of course, I was still suffering from spytailapnia so my wagging tail from the corner of my eye was in my mind  the spytail creeping up from behind me again, now what with the mixture of excitement and fear of losing my ears my legs went into over drive, sending me ferociously speeding across the utility room in a state of uncontrollable panic, causing me to run into and dent the front of the

ridiculously placed washing machine. Ouch!

shanakee

Shanakee

Me and the family like to spend as much time as possible on board our boat ‘Shanakee’ in the Norfolk broads.
Whilst there, we like to spend much of our time fishing.
I use the word ‘fishing’ lightly as ‘fishing’ suggests that we actually catch fish, where as in most cases we just sit there ‘drowning maggots’ Continue reading Shanakee