Locked out

Last week we had new front and back doors fitted.
The old doors were the wooden type, they looked a bit manky and the front one opened from the outside.
The fact that it opened from the outside bothered us because of the safety issue mainly, we never thought for one minute we would miss this function.
We are animals of habit, so for the last 2 years living in this house I have left for work in the morning, got to the truck and realised I have left either my lunch or the keys inside and gone back indoors to fetch them.
I also go in and out of the front door for numerous other reasons, probably another 2 more times a day.
If I have been doing this for 2 years it means that I have used the ‘ability to be opened by a rapist / burglar from the outside’ function 2190 times or there abouts.

On the first night the doors were fitted, we were left without a cat flap,
Now the cats avoid using the floor too much as that means being chased by the dogs, which meant the cats wouldn’t be able to take a dump anywhere else other than the kitchen worktop.
I spoke to my wife about it and we decided to leave the cats out over night until the next day when I would fit a cat flap.
Once done, everyone went to bed whilst I locked up.
It was freezing cold outside which left me feeling guilty that the cats were out there, so I went up to the bedroom and confessed my guilt to my wife who was in bed half asleep…. Not asleep, HALF ASLEEP.
My son Rhys had only just gone to bed and Zach was in his room too, but the light was on so I guessed he was awake.

My wife Julie said that if I felt guilty, I should go and leave the shed open so the cats could take refuge in there if it got too cold.
So down I went in my pyjamas, decided to go out the front door to save disturbing the dogs, went outside and by habit, shut the door behind me.
Luckily I had remembered to grab a torch on my way out as without it the following 20 minutes would have been a lot worse.
I made my way round the side of the house where we keep the shed and left the door open.
I then had a quick look around for the cats whilst making that funny noise we use to communicate with them; a sort of squeaking noise made by sucking air in through your teeth.

No sign of them, so I went back round the front which is when I remembered we had a new front door and that I had stupidly locked myself outside in the freezing cold in my pyjamas.
The doorbell had also been disconnected since the new door had gone in, so I resorted to banging on the knocker.
I banged as loud as it would let me for a minute or so, but no one heard me, well, no one in my house heard me, next doors light came on and so did the house down the road but not my family, not my wife who was awake 30 seconds ago!

Seeing as my banging was clearly waking up neigbours and I was in my pyjamas, I decided to go round the back which is when the torch came in handy as we have no outside lighting, I was bare footed and I hadn’t cleaned up the dog crap for a couple of days.
I tried yelling up to the boys bedrooms but that didn’t work.
I tried tapping on the windows with bean canes but they were not long enough.
If their windows were open even a tad, I could have used the hosepipe to get their attention but they were all shut.
Usually, if a cat farts 3 blocks away, the dogs will bark, but on this night they didn’t made a single sound. (dick heads)
I resulted in throwing a pink plastic hedgehog up at the windows which made a loud thumping noise.
Zach’s light was on, so I tried his window 5 or 6 times with no effect.
I cursed him under my breath for falling asleep with his television on again and then chucked it up at Rhys’ window.
Rhys looked out at me standing bare foot in my pyjamas with a torch, he laughed and then came and let me in. at last.

As I walked in the dogs barked…

Turns out Zach was awake but was too scared to look out the window….

Zach is 6 foot tall and plays rugby.

My wife was sound asleep….

This must be why she didn’t hear my banging….

I bet if I had pushed the ironing pile over she would have woke up.

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