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Table mannerzzzzzzzzzzzzt! Zzzzzzzzzzzt!

To say ‘I love food’ is an understatement.
I have always been slightly overweight due to my love of food, when I was about 10 my mum sent me to summer school for fat kids.
I believe it had a different title like ‘multi sports made easy’ which they used to avoid upset to us fat kids.
Honestly, I’m not sure what was worse, being branded as a fatty or being sent somewhere because I was so crap at sports I needed some special help.
I have fond memories of that place though, mainly lunch break and the access we had to a vending machine.

Over the years I have become an overly experienced eater, I believe that due to my skills in this field I have the right to say what’s right and what’s just damn well wrong.
For example…

People that drink whilst still chewing!
Food related beard foliage!
Cement mixer syndrome!
Using ‘Lurpak’!
Spitting food whilst talking!

We have all seen someone who munches on their cheese sandwich, pauses mid chew to sip their drink.
Is it possible to suddenly become so thirsty whilst eating that you simply must stop to drink something?
What’s wrong with waiting a few seconds to swallow your food before drinking? And don’t tell me it tastes nice, if it tasted nice then surely you would simply pour your orange juice directly onto your sandwich and cut out the middle man.
The only possible excuse for this f behaviour is that you were chewing on some antique tobacco found inside an Egyptian mummy’s underpants.

Face foliage

People who get food stuck to their face or beard should be tazered in the face.
Dinner queues and restaurants around the world should employ special eating police armed with shock devices and penalty notices.
I used to think that this was just a problem old people had, due to the loss of feeling in their face with age, but young people do this too.
You’re having a chin wag with someone over a bite to eat but you have no idea what they are on about because the lump of potato stuck to their chin is stealing your attention.
I’m thinking  ‘surely they know it’s there. Is it possible to not realise they have a chunk of half chewed spud hanging from their stubble?’
I would  know! I would definitely know! And  if I didn’t know I would hope someone would tazer me in order to teach me a lesson, in fact, I would volunteeringly tazer myself in the crotch for being so disgusting.

Unnecessary Eating noise!

During our school years, before we were let loose into the world, we should have been told to record ourselves eating in order to hear whether or not we sounded like a cement mixer.
There are few worse things in this world than eating next to someone who sounds like a duck trying to run up a muddy slope.
Go now and record yourself, if you make this noise or anything similar then either never eat in public again or only eat via a tube connected to your stomach.

Never use ‘Lurpak’!

it is not butter, nor is it margarine. It is a product of its own and it should be banned.
Why do we use butter in the first place? Is it because we like the idea of spreading unnecessary fat onto our bread, or is it because it is a flavour enhancer?
Flavour enhancers either contain or taste like salt and seeing as ‘Lurpak’ is neither of these, it serves no purpose other than to supply the stupid with a product that they only buy because they like the ‘Lurpak’ man in the advert.
If we went into a butchers to buy some beef but instead bought a product called weef that tasted like cat food with the same consistency as marshmallow, would we buy it again, even if it had a spectacularly  good advert?

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